An illustrated guide to my feelings right now

So I’m gonna talk about something a little different from weight-loss and exercise, although at the same time, it is definitely something that plays a MASSIVE part in my ability (and inability) to lose weight. I will not go into it in as much detail as I could – it’s quite personal for me – but I will say a bit.

For years – several, several years – I have not felt great. I would say it started after the break-up at university with the man I thought I would marry one day, but really, I have suffered intense (seriously intense) down periods as a teenager as well so I can’t honestly say that.

I can’t pull myself out of these moods when I am in them. I can act like I have – I can smile, and laugh, and sometimes on the good days, life is even fun. But really, the down mood is still there. I learned how to cope with it and carry on. Because one of the things I really have learned, is that people you count as friends are often unsympathetic about things like this. If you are sad as a reaction to something, there is always a time-limit in other people’s eyes for when you need to be over it. And if you do not conform to this, they roll their eyes, talk about you behind your back…and are generally pretty mean. As a result, it is easier to fake a smile every day - though exhausting at times. And if there is no ‘real’ reason to feel down – it confuses some people who just think you’re being purposefully miserable when really you should realise that other people have it worse, yet cope better than you.

For me, I comfort eat MASSIVELY at times when I felt down. After a break-up in my final year of university, when I was at my thinnest (9st 7lb people!!!) I drank and ate my way back to ‘happiness’ – and as a result, 5 months later, I was 2 stone heavier. Then I moved to London, and carried on gaining weight – and it just hasn’t stopped.

Of course, this is a vicious circle – no-one feels beautiful when they are overweight, ESPECIALLY when as overweight as me. People judge you as lazy, disgusting…whatever. And to cope with that, I eat. And then feel bad. So I eat. You start to hate yourself. But still fake happiness and confidence (and actually, in real life I think I come across as both of those things quite well – or at least I used to).

Over the years, I have never said I suffered from depression or anything else like that. Other people have suggested it. But I never accepted that as a possibility. Because I have good days – genuine good days where I feel happy. And so, I told myself, I was not depressed. And I still believe that. But I don’t necessarily believe that my ups and downs are as ‘normal’ as I used to either. Because seriously…if they are, I don’t know how anyone survives.

The thing is, I have known people with clinical depression. And I would not put myself in that category. I think I function OK, in general. On the surface. And I know that's not what counts, but really, when you can't function on the surface at all, I think you're at a whole different level. And because I looked at other people and thought 'they are worse than me', I never really got very far considering getting help - because I didn't think there was anything wrong with me.

It’s difficult to explain – but I do feel like a lot of my sadness comes down to circumstance – I’ve been single for 6+ years, without any real ‘hope’ that something would change. I never really ‘fancy’ people – ever. There’s been one guy in that time. And he’s taken. I know, deep down, that I want to get married and have kids (maybe) and basically NOT die alone. I want a guy who loves me, because quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever had that. I spend half my time feeling like my life has been a complete failure. I see the future as hopeless. I suffer intense LIFE ENVY. I get angry – really, really angry. Unfairly angry. And then comes the guilt. I’ve done things recently that are selfish. REALLY selfish. Which I do feel is quite out of character for me. Especially when I know it is selfish, but I don’t always stop. I also forget things - mid-sentence sometimes - and it's frustrating. My memory just goes. It feels like the sadness has just been building and building and sorta came to a head in January. But sometimes, there's no sadness. And no happiness. And no anger. I just don't really feel anything, and this had become preferable to feeling something. Which I realised probably wasn't a good thing in the long run.

It’s hard, because I have good days, as I said. REALLY good days. Positively hyper in fact. But it got to the point that I started to dread these days, as I knew the come-down would be so much worse. And anything minor could trigger it, from out of nowhere.

No matter what though – whether I do fit into some random diagnosis, or if I don’t, I just know I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Unless you have gone through something vaguely similar – and for me, my heart physically ached with the sadness for at least a few hours on most days – you can’t judge. Or fully understand. You can’t sit there, and roll your eyes, and say “Just pull yourself together – I get on with things, you should too.” Because if it was that easy, everyone would do it. Get some empathy. Or at least, sympathy. Sometimes even when I know I have no reason to be REALLY sad, I can’t help it and I’d do anything to be able to just NOT feel like that any more. Sometimes I have done 'anything' to feel better, even when I knew I shouldn't. It worked. But it was wrong. But it's survival sometimes. And I also don't assume what I feel when I'm down is the same as someone else who is down - or depressed - or just a bit 'off'. We're all individual.

So without labelling myself:

(And I did kinda believe that I was just surrounded by assholes – part of me still does – but part of me also thinks that maybe that opinion is influenced by my state of mind right now), I took the advice of a few good friends and saw my Doctor and am now waiting for a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) referral. Woop? Who knows. I fear it failing. I fear discovering that this feeling will last forever unless I find a man to love and to love me, and I fear even more that feeling like this will mean I can’t and won’t. But then, I fear I can’t and won’t anyway. Urgh.

I am truly grateful to the friends who have a) paid enough attention to notice that I was ‘not myself’, b) cared enough to actually ask me about it and see if I was ok, and c) didn’t make me feel like I was being pathetic or stupid or making a big deal out of nothing. I sort of resent the ones that did the opposite of all of these things, and have actually not really responded to me at times. Please note – I expect the worst. I suspect the worst. You might not realise it, but being ignored can make me physically ache sometimes. I always think it's because of me, and not because of another factor.

And I know that is unfair. But at the same time…I can’t help it. And I feel guilty for the resentment. Urgh. Vicious circle people – VICIOUS CIRCLE. I know they are my issues – but seriously, sometimes you expect friends to actually BE friends, in your low times as well as your high times, and not make you feel like a burden.

But anyway – I am hoping at some point in the future – preferably before I’m 30 (sob) to feel better. Because realistically, I don’t think my situation will be very different by then. Only I’ll be older. So I need to know that I can feel better in this situation.

Losing weight will help. Exercise will help.

I know my thoughts and feelings towards others are unfair. I know it’s not right, or correct, to think the worst of people. Deep down, I believe that people generally have good intentions. And I hope to be able to change my thinking on all of these things.

So there you go – believe it or not, that is a BRIEF version of what’s going on with me at the moment. I’m hoping the realisation of it all will allow me to actually start to get ‘better’. And not angry, or sad, or irritable – and not selfish. The selfishness must stop, because if there’s one thing I can honestly say, it is that selfishness was not a big part of my personality for most of my past.

I apologise if I sound like a bitch in any of that - I swear I'm not, or I try not to be at least. I am aware of when I am being unfair - I just find it hard to control the emotion of it at the time.

Also - for any of you who speak to my mother - she doesn't really know any of this, and I don't plan on sharing. I don't want the conversations that would come with it. So hopefully it goes without saying - don't share it with her.

(All 'black dog' images are taken from the SANE facebook group and I think they are fantastic).